Hopefully It's Worth It

Being an indie author is so hard. I love writing. I always have! I enjoy seeing what I can come up with, sometimes the things that need to break free of me; I have made myself laugh, cry, and rage. I have made myself proud and I have made myself cringe. I have made myself see things in me that need worked on and things in me that I am glad that make me who I am. Yet sometimes, I wonder if this dream of mine is worth it? I advertise and market my books as much as I have the energy to which probably isn't enough because let's face it when you have to work forty hours a week and flip flop between shifts sometimes all you want to do is focus on the writing and not marketing the books you wish to sell.

I wish I had some rich friend who could afford to help me out for free. Some celebrity that just loves my poetry or my prose. It would be nice to get ahead somehow. I feel like I am stuck behind as my friends live their lives and accomplish things that I don't know will ever be mine.

I am happy for my friends who are part of reading lists and whose work gets promoted on podcasts. I just wish that could be me. I wish that there was an interest in me and my work. It's sad that sometimes I think my friends that I've made online through roleplaying or various groups writing and otherwise support me more than the people I actually know. Like why do you feel so comfortable giving billionaires even more money but you let the people you know with dreams drown? I'll never understand it.

I feel like an outsider even in the writing world. The writing community needs to be better at being a community because they only seem to support their darlings. I feel like I'll never be one of their darlings no matter how hard I try. I know it shouldn't matter. But it does bother me that sometimes it feels like a popularity contest. I write because I love writing, I write because I can't live in a world where I'm not writing, I write because I love it, I write it to feel things and connect with others, I write to be heard. I just feel like people could do more for their indie writer friends because it is hard.